Rocky & Bullwinkle: A Lost Adventure

Episode 1

We begin our story in the tiny hamlet of Frostbite Falls, Minnesota USA, population 27, where two of its leading citizens reside; Rocket J. Squirrel and Bullwinkle J. Moose. It looks like they're involved in some intense study. Let's listen in.

"Do you have any tens?"

"Go fish," said Rocky.

Well, it looks like they're more involved in leisure time activities. Unfortunately, a couple of dark figures are approaching their quaint cabin that is sure to break up this relaxing atmosphere and involve the duo in another harrowing adventure. At least we hope so.

"Who can that be?" said Rocky in answer to the knock at the door.

"I bet you it's those pesky woodpeckers again. Just ignore them."

"Who is it?"

"Natasha Fatale."

"Natasha Fatale who?"

"Natasha Fatale going to injure you if you don't open this door."

"I don't get it," said Bullwinkle.

"Don't I know you from somewhere?" said Rocky when he opened the door to the statuesque brunette beauty standing before him.

"Cut the crap," said Natasha. "Of course you know me. I'm Natasha Fatale, Pottsylvanian spy. You two are Moose and Squirrel, my mortal enemies. I always try to kill you every episode. I need your help."

"Don't trust her, Rock," said Bullwinkle. "It's a new episode. She'll try to kill us for sure."

"I won't kill you until after you help. Is deal?"

"What kind of help do you need from your mortal enemies?" said Rocky.

"It's Boris Badenov, the poor darlink. Is terrible tragedy."

"What kind of tragedy?"

"Just look!" She pointed behind her. Standing behind her was a beautiful young lady in a pink dress. She was smiling sweetly and holding a bouquet of wildflowers.

"She's kind of cute, but where's your friend?"

"That's Boris Badenov."

"Hokey Smoke! What happened to her... him... uh whatever?"

"Is long story. Let narrator tell it."

Yes, well it seems Pottsylvanian scientists had developed a new type of ray gun which, when directed at a victim, changed his mind and body chemistry to the opposite of what they once were. The ray gun was tested on mindless Pottsylvanian peasants. The results were thoughtful citizens. Of course, thoughtful citizens begin to ask questions and form independent ideas. They were declared counterrevolutionaries, lined up against a wall and executed by a firing squad. The weapon was deemed a success.

Washington politicians were considered likely targets until someone pointed out they were very much like mindless Pottsylvanian peasants so it was decided to go after America's scientists instead. The first victim was to be that most eminent of researchers, Dr. Albert Bierstein. Boris and Natasha were assigned to do the dirty deed. They tracked Dr. Bierstein to one of his crowded after-hours haunts. Boris took aim at his target but unfortunately (or fortunately for Dr. Bierstein), our villain got confused and shot at the man's image in the mirror behind the bar. The rays reflected back at the shooter and Boris got a full dose of the mysterious rays.

"Hoo boy! I think I'm in trouble."

"Are you all right, darlink?"

"I feel... I feel pretty. I feel pretty. I feel pretty and witty and gay."

Yes, the Boris Badenov we all know and hate had been transformed into a cute little girl with a possible career in Broadway musicals.

"It gets worse," said Natasha. "Not only is she cute but she's nice too. I can't stand it!"

"What do want us to do?" said the plucky squirrel.

"Ray gun got broken but still under warranty. You need to take it to China for repairs. When you return we shoot little girl, get back Boris."

"Why China?"

"Is place of manufacture. Chinese give Pottsylvania deal on lead-based paint. We insist on it for all our products."

"Why don't you do it yourself?"

"Must keep Boris out of trouble. I turn back once and she sign up as Pottsylvanian mail order bride. Has 40 proposals already. Also, if Central Control finds out what happened, we are screwed pigeons."

"I accepted all proposals," said the transformed Boris. "Don't want to hurt anyone's feelings."

Just then there was another knock on the door.

"This is becoming a very popular place," said Bullwinkle and opened the door. "Someone left us a package."

"What's in it?"

"Let's see here. It's just a bomb."

"A bomb? Get rid of it, Bullwinkle!"

"Sure thing, Rock." The mighty moose heaved the bomb out of the cabin just in time to avoid a mighty explosion.

"Whew! That was close," said Rocky. "Say, I thought you weren't going to try to kill us until after we helped you."

"Wasn't me. I swear," said Natasha.

"Hmmm. Then it looks like someone doesn't want Boris turned back into his old self."

"That could include almost everyone, Rocky," Bullwinkle declared in an unusually astute observation.

"You're right, Bullwinkle," said Rocky. "If Boris stays the way she is now, then everything stays peaceful. You have our answer."

"But you don't understand, Squirrel," said Natasha.

"What's not to understand?"

"If Boris stays little girl then nothing bad happens, right?"


"If nothing bad happens then things get boring, right?"


"If things stay boring then audience stops watching, ratings go down, series gets cancelled. We all get fired and are out of work, right?"

"Hokey Smoke! She's right, Bullwinkle. We gotta help!"

"I'm on it, Rock."

"Whatcha doin' digging a hole?"

"I'm digging my way to China."

"Wouldn't it be easier to make airline reservations, Bullwinkle?"

"You know what airline travel is like these days, Rocky."

"Hmm, you're right. I'll get another shovel."

Will our heroes be able to dig their way to China, get the ray gun repaired, transform Boris back into his vile self and revive the series? Or are they just getting themselves in deeper? Also who is this mysterious stranger intent on stopping them? Be with us for our next episode, "Seven Days and Six Knights in Beijing" or "I See Chinks in Their Armor."


Episode 2

When we were last with Rocky and Bullwinkle, they were frantically digging a hole into the ground with the goal of reaching China on the other side of the world. Flying there wasn't an option.

"I can't get my antlers past airport security," said Bullwinkle.

Their goal after reaching China is to get a strange weapon repaired for none other than those two nefarious arch villains, Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale. Or perhaps, should we say Natasha Fatale and a cute little girl?

"Please don't rub it in, darlink," said Natasha.

The reason Natasha Fatale is so upset is because the cute little girl was once the aforementioned Boris Badenov. How did this incredible transformation take place? Apparently Boris Badenov was using a ray gun developed by Pottsylvanian scientists. When a person is exposed to the exotic rays they drastically change its victims' brain and body chemistries. The dastardly villain missed his intended target. The rays struck a barroom mirror and reflected back on Boris making him the victim.

"I don't feel so good," said Boris and collapsed in a faint.

After the rays had taken full effect, the result was a cute young lady with a fabulous singing voice. She can belt out Broadway show tunes...

"I could have danced all night. I could have danced all night And still have begged for more."

... as well as operatic arias.

"Un bel di vedvemo levarsi un fil di sull'estremo confin del mare."

"On top of that, she's nice too," Natasha added. "Is disgusting."

So why is that a bad thing? Why are our heroes so anxious to get the ray gun repaired so that Natasha can blast the nice little girl in hopes of getting the old evil Boris back?

"We're trying to save the series," said Rocky. "We need a villain to make things exciting. Nobody's going to watch our show if all Bullwinkle and I do is sit around and play cards."

"There's always board games, Rocky," said Bullwinkle.

Yes, the series might very well go kaput if there's no more bad in Badenov.

"Hey Rocky, can we take a break? We've been digging all day."

"I guess so. How deep do you think the hole is?

"About three feet."

"At this rate it'll take forever to get to China."

"Perhaps I may be of assistance?"

"Who are you?"

"I'm Mr. Peabody and this is my boy Sherman. Say hello, Sherman."


"I'm your canis ex machina."

"What's that?"

"Canis ex machina is Latin and means literally 'dog out of the machine.' It's a dramatic device where a superior dog (myself, of course) unexpectedly steps into the middle of a plot and resolves a seemingly irresolvable problem. It's a well used stratagem for inferior writers who have written their characters into a tight fix and can't figure a logical way out for their protagonists. It dates from the Greek tragedies. I taught the technique to the playwright Euripides and others while on a visit to Greece in the fifth century BC."

"They call the technique 'deus ex machina' these days, Mr. Peabody."

"I know, Sherman."

"Well, if you guys want to take a turn at digging, we'd sure appreciate it."

"I was thinking more along the lines of repairing your gadget." I took the device out of the surprised squirrel's paws. I quickly diagnosed the problem and sent Sherman off to the local emporium for the necessary parts. He returned quickly with what I needed. "Four fresh double-A batteries should do the trick. Yes, there's no need to test it. Your ray gun is fully charged and now operational. I'd be careful with that thing if I were you. Someone could get hurt."

"You are a genius, Dog," ...

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